Having an existential crisis is nothing new to me – whether it was me joking about it ironically to my friend or going on a full break down because I couldn’t find the motivation to do anything, there’s nowhere in between. The world around me just seems so foreign from time to time, and the thought that my life is meaningless haunts me even in my sleep.
Things that were lost
During childhood, my most favorite thing to do was baking. I used to run a small neighborhood business selling my famous brownies. Thanks to that, I made some good connections and met great friends. But once my existential depression kicked in, I lost all the passion I once had.
I stopped the business that was my pride and joy. I was so scared that people would find out about my loss of interest that I pushed them away even before they planned to ask me about it. You can enjoy being alone and isolated, but we are humans after all, and humans are social beings. Loneliness only worsens our will to find values in life.
At first, I convinced myself that it was just a phase I was going through. Turns out it wasn’t temporary at all. However hard I tried, I couldn’t figure out how to find the meaning to what I once loved, which made me miserable and scared.
“Everything is pointless”, I was so sure at that time.
The obsession with finding an answer
I always felt so out of place - I fell into the black hole of my own agony without seeing an exit.
Life was supposed to be full of sunshine and rainbows. But from my point of view back then, it was a dark, endless battle of responsibilities and anxiety. I had too many decisions to make, all of them felt too excruciating to even think about. My uncertainties of the choices I had to make prevented me from taking up tasks, and then I would torment myself with the guilt and consequences of what could have been. I was agonized by the dilemma of 'why am I so useless’ to a horrible extent.
Out of nowhere, the urge to answer the big question that is the purpose of being alive became unbearable. The meaninglessness became a frustrating obstacle. I kept asking myself the same question over and over again but it was impossible to find a tolerable answer. (to be honest, the meaning of life has been a challenge to philosophers for centuries for no reason)
What was more terrifying than a pointless life
“Whenever you become anxious or stressed, outer purpose has taken over, and you lose sight of your inner purpose. You have forgotten that your state of consciousness is primary, all else secondary.” ― Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose
I used to suffer from severe insomnia in my university days. For many nights, my head was filled with a constant mess of confusion and doubt. All the suspense that life is pointless, that I’m just an insignificant being kept me restless for hours.
But when I was actually sleeping, I didn’t want to wake up. I dwelled on finding the reason to leave my bed in the morning – what else was there to my world other than going to class and working to pay back my loans. It would feel good if I could hide from the world like that forever, not having to face my responsibilities and sadness.
What I feared was not death, and I believe I never try to avoid the inevitable cease to my existence. My life is empty and meaningless as it already is. I was more scared of the intrusive thoughts and the bottled up emotions that just waited to break out at any point in time if I’m still awake.
I was afraid that one day I would eventually surrender to the stress and end my consciousness. But I’m so proud that I didn't.
What to do when life is meaningless
You live. You challenge life itself. You look in the mirror and remind yourself “What if something good happens tomorrow?”
You note down what you find grateful for and push those ‘my life is meaningless’ ideas away from your attention span.
If you feel anxious completing big tasks, break them down into smaller goals and tackle them one at the time. Take accomplishment in even the tiniest thing you do because hey, you did that on your own!
Ask your family and friends what they love most about you and what are the best traits you have. Take your time to explore who you truly are rather than looking for an answer to a dead-end question.
You don’t have to rush finding a way to fill that emptiness in your mind. Seek help from your therapist or doctor so you don’t have to endure your emotions alone.
I never fully found a complete answer to the big question of life, but so are many others, and some don’t even find it significant in their daily routine (maybe except for philosophers).
Don’t let others judge you whether your life is worth living or not. Just the fact that you keep finding meanings to it, shows that you deserve a pat in the back.
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