The problem with trying to fit in
One time, a close friend came crying to me, saying “I don’t belong anywhere, what should I do?”
That friend of mine was a cheerful, upbeat person that I used to be so jealous of - compared to my anxious and troubled self. She always seemed to be having the best time of her life, confident and would easily fit in any group of friends. Her world was vastly different from mine.
Those were my thoughts at first, before we became closer friends. It was then when I realized she was just using her smile as a coping mechanism to her loneliness.
She originally wasn’t from where we were living. I went to a small high school in Ontario where most of the students were kids of the same neighborhood and had known each other for a while. A transferred student like my friend, of course, was the talk of the whole school. With how fast she was getting used to everything – new friends, new classes, new living environment, who would have thought that this girl didn’t feel like she belonged to where she was?
As we continued to befriend, I began to notice that sometimes she couldn’t connect with us because of our different origins, even though she had already been in Canada for 4-5 years. What we identify ourselves with – such as people from our neighborhood, pop culture in general… since when we were young – were something she found difficult to comprehend.
But she also couldn’t connect with her Asian identity either because she adapted more to her life here. “It doesn’t feel like home.” She told me whenever she came back to the Philippines to visit her relatives.
During those years of high school, there were times I questioned whether she felt the burden of having to cope with those feelings – and I was right. She cried while telling me her story of how much she still felt out of place even though she tried so hard to fit in. There was nowhere for her to “go back” either. She was stuck with deciding between two versions of herself, neither of which could she associate herself with.
Feeling like I don’t belong in my own family
Like a kid who would wonder whether they are the “adopted” one, I was no doubt the black sheep of the family, not just on the look alone but also the way we think and act. Being the only person who was gloomy, slow-witted and had a lot of conflicting perspectives with other family members, I sometimes felt as if I didn’t have anyone in the family to trust with my trouble. They probably didn’t want to hear my negative feelings nor do I want to hurt them if I get too emotional, so I chose to endure things by myself and shut my family out of those problems.
The problem with that way of thinking is that eventually, you will start assuming that you don’t have anyone by your side, that you’re completely alone, while in reality you’re actually not. And in my case, I don't feel like I belong in this world anymore, and that’s an ugly idea.
Deal with it and move on
Life can be excruciating at times. For me, it drives me into thinking that I have no purpose to go out of bed in the morning. I was alone fighting a battle with myself and on my own, both the loneliness and meaninglessness of life were pushing me closer and closer to the edge of a cliff.
The feeling of being left out sucks. Like how I felt when we graduated high school and my friends suddenly have lives of their own, and I don’t know everything about them anymore. Or when I unintentionally pushed my loved ones away because I was afraid that they would shut me out first. They played a huge part in my world, but I was convinced that I didn’t belong in theirs. I don’t belong anywhere.
It’s hard to accept the fact that you’re alone sometimes. But if you never come to acknowledge your feeling of not belonging, it would be even harder to come out of your safety zone and change for the better.
“One thing mental illness taught me is that progress is a matter of acceptance. Only by accepting a situation can you change it. You have to learn not to be shocked by the shock. Not to be in a state of panic about the panic. To change what you can change and not get frustrated by what you can’t.” ― Matt Haig, Notes on a Nervous Planet
You think no one cares enough to really understand you. You think that you can’t be a part of anyone’s world because you think you’re insignificant. And with social media, it’s probably even worse. There’s so much happening out there but there’s so little happening with you. You start to wonder why no one texts you yet, why you aren’t invited to some parties, and why you have many friends but struggle to find someone who will listen to your problems. Your fear of missing out is preventing you from having actual fun and enjoying your daily life.
It takes time to learn how to deal with the feeling of not belonging. Ask yourself “Is this the place that I want to belong to worth my effort of fitting in?” and figure the next steps from there.
If you really want to understand and be understood by the people you love, then it’s always worth the attempt. Consult with them about your troubles or inquire about their daily life from time to time. It’s no use fighting the fight alone when you know you just want to feel connected.
And if you don’t wish to belong, it’s better to accept it and move on. Find new people to connect with. Be true to yourself and stay pleased with who you are. You don’t need to forcefully identify with a certain version of yourself that you don’t feel comfortable with. You are your unique self and nothing can change you out of that against your will.
By appreciating the profound connections with people around you, you will surely feel loved.
Lindsey.
0 Comments