Time to time, after a long day at work, I would lay down on my bed and stare at my ceiling blankly. My energy drained, my mind filled with nothing but emptiness. I felt like throughout the day, I have offered others everything there was to me. Even if I tried, I couldn’t give out anymore, because there was already nothing left for me to give.
Why do I feel empty?
I was the type of person who loved to help others without question. Like, if a friend asked me to help them with something, I almost never declined their requests. It was not because I was afraid of upsetting them – I just felt good doing things for others. Or in other words, I liked giving them the assistance they needed.
I was also the type of person who would try to do everything with the best of my ability. To be honest, I wasn’t near being a model student or the most competent employee. It was just my own preference to try and deliver my best attempt.
I used to have the energy to do so. Every day, the same routine went on – I kept going out of my way to deliver what was expected of me: ‘giving’. I never expected anything back from the people I helped. Nor have I imagined I would get to be an outstanding individual by doing my best.
However, things usually don’t work out the way we plan them. It was the exact reason why I felt hopeless – I got nothing in return while emptying myself out for others. By giving them my all, I found that there was none remaining that I can use to enjoy myself anymore.
A tiring future
What’s worse, I started to see the meaninglessness of my life. Was my existence there to solely serve that objective of draining myself out, day after day without an end?
We tend to think that the future happens later, but we're creating it in our minds every day. When the present falls apart, so does the future we had associated with it. And having the future taken away is the mother of all plot twists. ― Lori Gottlieb, Maybe You Should Talk to Someone
With nothing left to give, people also have nothing to look forward to.
As my present only consisted of weariness, the thought of ‘tomorrow’ at that certain time seemed unexpectedly scary. I was afraid that I had to keep fulfilling my responsibility of ‘giving’ – while in returns, all I got was exhaustion. However hard I tried, whatever was left of me had already been depleted.
I was afraid of the disappointment people would feel about me not being able to give anymore. I thought that I was the only one suffering, and people were taking advantage of what I was giving. In reality, it was just me who was obsessed with this toxic thought and not realizing people were always there for me if I needed them.
Because of the guilt I was going through, I avoided meeting with others and ended up pushing them away. I lost the interest that I once had in what I was doing, because it seemed like I couldn’t give it my best performance.
I couldn’t bring myself to get up again. I felt as if I had nothing to live for.
To you, the person who have nothing left to give
You might have experienced what I felt at that time as well. Sometimes, we give so much to others around, without realizing that we’ll only end up with emptiness. It happens, and avoiding to acknowledge it would only make the situation worse.
It took me a while to realize, I couldn’t keep on giving forever without seeing the balance. If there were things I was capable of giving, I should not just give them all out to others without making sure that I’m okay.
It’s not selfish to think about your own problems and stop giving sometimes. After all, it’s your well-being that’s more important than the satisfaction of offering everything you have. You can’t expect to help anyone when you don’t even have the strength to do so.
It’s good to have a break and let your energy bar recharge every now and then. Whenever you feel like the world is draining you, find the time to clear your mind. Take that time to focus on yourself only, and you’ll surely feel full again.
From my experience, with depression present, it’s not easy finding the energy to give again once you feel you have lost it. What I would recommend is to take small steps, one at a time. Only give what you can without overdoing it at the risk of your own mental health. Other than time, give yourself some rewarding gifts to lift up your mood. It’s your mind and body that’s asking for attention, so you need to give them what they deserve.
Remember that others are also willing to give to you when you need them to. Therefore, look for support from them rather than trying and overexert yourself.
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